I’ve completely been living under a rock for the past couple of months. I’ve been wallowing self-pity and just looking at the world like it’s wrong. Despite feeling like I have it all under control, I don’t think I always do. I won’t say that I give up on life or anything like that. I still go through my day, go to work, take care of my family and pretend like nothing’s really wrong. This isn’t always healthy but, it’s the only way I’ve ever known how to deal with things.
I’ve never really talked to anyone about what I’m feeling. I will vent about problems at work or things that annoy me in general. But, I will never talk to anyone about feeling sad, or feeling anxious. I can never let my guard down, with anyone. The truth is I don’t believe that I can ever show weakness… real weakness. It’s not for nothing. Every time, I’ve let my guard down, people have taken advantage of that. I haven’t always had the most pleasant experiences. And this has always led me to believe that I can never be vulnerable with anyone.
It’s not a good way to live. I don’t have trust issues per se, but I can’t let anyone in completely, ever. But, then I wonder, can any of us? Maybe there are people who don’t think so much. Maybe there are people who don’t worry so much. I’m certainly not one of them.
All of this has taken me down a path where I’ve been avoiding dealing with anything at all. Including writing. I don’t want to appear to be down. I don’t want to appear to be sullen. If I’m writing for an audience, I should always be upbeat. But, that’s not real. That’s not how life goes. We all have our ups and downs, and our writing absolutely should be able to reflect that. If we’re writing from our heart, then our writing should reflect our emotions.
After all, people have a choice. If they don’t like what you’ve written, they can always pass. They’re not obligated to read what you’ve written. So that should never stop me from writing. Yet it does. We all struggle with our demons. I know that I can’t afford to stop any other part of my life because it involves survival so I seem to take it out on my writing.
Much of this post was a reflection of how I’ve been feeling and an extension of my self-pity. But, I do feel better after having written it. Writing always makes me feel better.