For the last two years I have been working like there’s no tomorrow. I started this new job at a private company and hit the ground running, as they say. I gave up on giving my final level of certification, I gave up holidays and I gave time with my family. I gave up going out with friends, spending time writing or doing any of the things I love. I feel like all I did was work and when I didn’t work, I was too tired to be doing anything else. I was enjoying my role and so I put my heart and soul into the job. And now I realize that it was just that… a job.
I thought I was an integral part of the company but over the last one month I have come to realize that is not the case at all. It’s not like I have done anything wrong. But, when the going gets tough, unfortunately people start to cast blame. I don’t know how to point fingers or lie and I know this has been a big problem for me throughout my career. In the corporate world, one is meant to be ruthless and tough. But, these days most people confuse these attributes to mean being rude and having no moral compass.
Now everything that I have done for the last two years doesn’t seem to be so rewarding after all. I have spent my time trying to make one man rich and then got none of the things I was promised in return. No appreciation, no bonus for all of my achievements… instead I was told that I am not performing because they have conveniently chosen to forget everything I have achieved and all the hard work I have put in. And I did achieve a lot. Working in an unstructured private company meant I had to bring my own (overboard) organizational expertise and create policies and trackers for the 40+ projects I was handling on my own. I had deadlines and reporting methods and went above and beyond to create a very high standard for my function. In the end, this was not appreciated at all. I think it may be because the company has been running in a very ad hoc manner and the top management has a style of putting out fires or dealing with things as we go along. So planning, to-do lists and organized methods of working and execution are not really their thing. I have been told that I keep too calm under pressure. That’s a first! But it’s comments like that make me realize, that the issue is definitely not me. It is a lack of professionalism in them.
Do I regret working so hard and forsaking everything else in my life? A little bit. But I have also learned a lot during this time and I did enjoy the work I did. When faced with adversity people react badly. I know this. But not reacting badly is probably more difficult and what we should strive for. I can’t remain in a toxic environment like this where everyone just lies to save themselves all the time and throwing blame on other (whether true or not) is the game. It is sad and unfortunate. I am disheartened because I have to deal with the sad truth again… people are just not what they seem. It’s become so easy for people to cross the moral barrier and get away with it. Well, sometimes they are commended for it. I want to believe that there is something better out there. I want to believe that there are still good people out there.
All I can say to myself everyday…. Keep your chin up!