Sometimes I’ll be fretting over something and wondering how on earth I will get out of a situation. Because I get so worked up, I out of doing anything about it. And then… out of no where things just have a way working themselves out. Then I realize not taking any action was probably the best thing I could do.
I’m so lethargic today…
It’s that time again, when I sit and stare at the screen…not sure what to write. So I’m just going to write random thoughts. It’s the end of the work week for me today and I’m so very tired. I’m happy but tired. It’s been a good week. I got a lot of things done and I’m well on my way to getting more done. It’s nice to get things done…. the sense of accomplishment, the feeling that something has been achieved is quite elevating. This afternoon I was walking around with a silly grin on my face… probably because the week was over for me, probably because it felt good that I managed to achieve quite a bit.
Happy Thursday everyone…. may your weekend be pleasant.
The few times I’ve tried to meditate, it’s just so weird. I close my eyes and sit there, trying to listen to my breathing and my mind is thinking twenty different things. I try to shut out any images but just the oddest things seem to appear out of the darkness. I can’t seem to get on board with the idea of just sitting still and doing nothing. I can’t let go of my thoughts.
I realize that I have an active mind. I am a worrier and I definitely overthink everything. I find it really hard to switch off which leads to insomnia and late nights.
Over the years, I’ve read and hear such good things about meditation. Keeps you calm, helps you focus, improves your health, good for your soul, etc etc. The list goes on. In all the years, that I’ve known about meditation, I’ve never been able to practice it. I probably should try harder but I’m giving up instead. I guess it’s just not my thing.
I realize that people are very happy to make excuses. I’ve always felt that making silly excuses is a sign of weakness. It’s always seemed petty to me. It’s not important why something didn’t get done or why I haven’t done it. What’s important is when I will do it or that I’ve realized my error and will take action.
I had a meeting today and the person forgot to bring a document. Instead of saying, I didn’t have time to print it or I forgot, he went on to try and explain that his printer was acting up and so on and so forth. I really didn’t care because I had a copy and more importantly, it’s not such a big deal. We are all busy and things like that can happen. The best thing to do is to apologize or simply say I missed bringing a copy of the document and move on.
I know it may not be a big deal but it’s a sign of what kind of a person you are. I’ve realized people who make excuses even for the smallest things tend to make excuses for everything in their life and then they never learn. It’s not easy and I try to always make an active effort to avoid it as much as I can.
There’s a video going around the internet about a cockroach in a restaurant and two ladies were frantic about it but the waiter was so composed when it landed on him. So the video goes on to say that what stood out was the inability of the two ladies to handle it.
The moral of the story is not what other people do but our reaction / attitude towards it.
While I agree with the moral of the story, I don’t necessarily agree that the ladies should have been all calm and composed like the waiter.
I am quite good at keeping my composure on the outside. Not so good on the inside. I let things stress me out even though I don’t react badly to it or throw a tantrum. However… I don’t think I will ever be able to keep my composure if a cockroach flew at me or sat on me.
There are just some situations in life that deserve an outrageous response. I don’t think it signals your inability to handle situations and I don’t think it’s right to generalize. I think screaming would be quite a normal response… I mean seriously, it’s a cockroach!!
For the last two years I have been working like there’s no tomorrow. I started this new job at a private company and hit the ground running, as they say. I gave up on giving my final level of certification, I gave up holidays and I gave time with my family. I gave up going out with friends, spending time writing or doing any of the things I love. I feel like all I did was work and when I didn’t work, I was too tired to be doing anything else. I was enjoying my role and so I put my heart and soul into the job. And now I realize that it was just that… a job.
I thought I was an integral part of the company but over the last one month I have come to realize that is not the case at all. It’s not like I have done anything wrong. But, when the going gets tough, unfortunately people start to cast blame. I don’t know how to point fingers or lie and I know this has been a big problem for me throughout my career. In the corporate world, one is meant to be ruthless and tough. But, these days most people confuse these attributes to mean being rude and having no moral compass.
Now everything that I have done for the last two years doesn’t seem to be so rewarding after all. I have spent my time trying to make one man rich and then got none of the things I was promised in return. No appreciation, no bonus for all of my achievements… instead I was told that I am not performing because they have conveniently chosen to forget everything I have achieved and all the hard work I have put in. And I did achieve a lot. Working in an unstructured private company meant I had to bring my own (overboard) organizational expertise and create policies and trackers for the 40+ projects I was handling on my own. I had deadlines and reporting methods and went above and beyond to create a very high standard for my function. In the end, this was not appreciated at all. I think it may be because the company has been running in a very ad hoc manner and the top management has a style of putting out fires or dealing with things as we go along. So planning, to-do lists and organized methods of working and execution are not really their thing. I have been told that I keep too calm under pressure. That’s a first! But it’s comments like that make me realize, that the issue is definitely not me. It is a lack of professionalism in them.
Do I regret working so hard and forsaking everything else in my life? A little bit. But I have also learned a lot during this time and I did enjoy the work I did. When faced with adversity people react badly. I know this. But not reacting badly is probably more difficult and what we should strive for. I can’t remain in a toxic environment like this where everyone just lies to save themselves all the time and throwing blame on other (whether true or not) is the game. It is sad and unfortunate. I am disheartened because I have to deal with the sad truth again… people are just not what they seem. It’s become so easy for people to cross the moral barrier and get away with it. Well, sometimes they are commended for it. I want to believe that there is something better out there. I want to believe that there are still good people out there.
All I can say to myself everyday…. Keep your chin up!